Hmmmmm
Mood:  irritated

Super angry today...

Everything is getting on my nerves...want to rip someone's head off. I started my period yesterday...like anyone wants to know that...but no one reads this shit but me anyways, so this is for my benefit not yours so fuck off. Anyhow...when I am like this...if someone were to say the wrong thing to me I could easily punch them in the mouth. No lie...but I guess this is normal for all women. Bitchy they call it. PMS.

WTF ever...i hate the world and everyone in it, except my kids of course.  

Trying to get control
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Scarlatti
Topic: Okay...

Here I go with my moods again. During this time I will listen to different music, feel more creative like writing, painting, reading ect. think differently, more motivated, wanting to do more with people, be around people, concentration and focus better. Make better decisions, get finances in order. I will research my bipolarness and see if there is anything I can learn more on how to help myself. I get motivated in wanting to do better in every aspect of my life. I can be very understanding towards others and calm. I have control with myself.

It's quite funny and scary at the same time how different I can be. I am definitely more aware of my moods and how different I change. I saw something the other day about borderline personality disorder, which I have a lot of characteristics of. Who knows what I am. The only reason I would like to be diagnosed correctly is so that I can help myself. To try different things to see if they work or help me in anyway.  

Anyhow...back to being this different person for awhile and then of course, all hell will break loose.

Much Love

QB 

Just here
Mood:  blue
Topic: Okay...

I have nothing going on...nothing. I feel the days are just passing by, my life is passing by with no significance. Some days I feel depressed and other days I just feel that I am here..going through the motions. Not happiness or joy..just insignificant.

 

Pretty Good Boring Weekend
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: Good Days

Well I will start off by saying, I only had that one shitty day. Which is very normal for everyone. I didn't bomb out or dwell on it. The rest of the week and weekend went fine. T was gone most of the weekend to his friends house and skating. K was gone all weekend and just got home a little while ago. Didn't do too much and not much to say. Normal everyday life shit.

Much Love

Overwhelmed
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Too Much Work
Bad day...overwhelmed....shitty...sucky...stressed....fucked.

Still Hangin' In There
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Disturbed
Topic: Okay...

What can I say...I'm still hangin' in there. Doing good. I have actually been getting out and doing things. Took my son and his friends to the skate park in Nashville this weekend and got some time alone. Went to the bookstore, park, and drove around taking some pics. Not much else going on. T had his first track meet this past week and did very well. He ran a 5:15 mile and ran a 800meters and got one medal. I was very proud of him. Guess that's it.

Much Love

QueenB

Stronger but hesitant
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Chevelle-Still Running
Topic: Good Days

Well what can I say...I'm still good.  Good as in "good" - not manic not depressed, just normal. Which feels fucking awesome. I don't get this way very often so I'm loving this. Still thanking God I have come out of that awful bout of depression in Dec/Jan...damn that was pure hell. Went to my psychologist last week and told him I quit taking my anti depressant - which he was not thrilled at all. He told me I needed to start back taking it or I would definitely end up back in the hospital or dead. He doesn't give me much hope w/o my meds. Which, I do get terrible w/o them, hell I can be crazy w/ them. So anyways, was very hesitant to get back on them because I did it, ya know? I went through a big fucking shit of a depression w/o my anti depressant meds. Which is a huge accomplishment for me. Plus I went through all of the side effects coming off of them. So I really didn't want to start back taking them. But after a few days, I started taking a low dosage, still not what I am supposed to be taking, but hell it's a start. :)

I haven't had either one of the kids in two weekend so I have gotten some much needed time only. I also have not been so paranoid about staying alone. I still get the thoughts but they subside after I talk myself out of it. I guess that is all for now.

QueenB

Feeling Okay
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Okay...
Well...after taking off Friday from work because I was not able to work because of my depression, I started feeling better yesterday. I don't know if it was the long weekend w/o my youngest son (a little break) or what. At work I was able to concentrate, focus, get a lot of work done. I even worked late about 10 hours total. I felt pretty good all day. I wish i could feel like that all the time. Something I used to be able to do. THis depression lasted a good 3 weeks and got extremely bad at times. I hope now I am getting over it and can move on and act normal. Being able to do my job, parent, just leave the house all of this is extremely important for anyone. I was terribly suicidal and should've probably been in the hospital somewhere. I am just praying it is over for now. It's well...fucking awful.

Depression setting in...
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Zoe Jane
Don't know what to think about this shit...except hopelessness. I cry because I can't do anything. I have to make myself even go get groceries. I do it only because of my kids...because I must. It's the same thing...all the time. Same thing. Same story. Same shit. Yes, I quit taking my anti depressant back some months ago. I get so fucking tired of it all. I can't do this. It's my son's birthday tomorrow and I can't be happy for him, like he needs me to be. A celebration of life...my son's...and I can't be happy? My gawwwddd what kind of person am I? Everything is a task. My kids keep me busy and I can't do it. I CAN"T FUCKING DO IT! I have to take my son and 2 friends to the movies on Friday...how will I make it? I cry at work...i cry at home...i cry in the car...i sit outside my son's practice and cry while the other parents are in there watching their children. I'm tired...and feel terrible...and I hate it....and want it all to go away. I'm sick and no one can help.

Isolation
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: As I lay dying
For the past few days...have been quite depressed. Isolating myself from the world, pushing everyone away...the normal shit I do when I don't feel so good. Today I made myself get out of the house and go for a walk with Prince Jr. I have had no energy whatsoever and all I do is want to sleep, which of course is normal for the depressive shit. Hopefully I will come out of this mess soon, because as everyone knows it sucks being like this.